saat kerja selesai
pukul setengah sebelas
siang hari yang terlambat
membuka matanya.

(jakarta, padat pekerja, langit ramah dan gedung sumringah. cuaca yang sorga. neraka yang kadaluarsa, kuli bangunan jongkok menikmati ketoprak berkeringat. kota ini berkeringat)

rumah dan setumpuk buku menanti.
es buah, nasi sebungkus beli di warung belakang
kebon kacang adalah kebun raya berpagar cahaya instan

(ah nikmatnya menjadi tua saat engkau tetap muda)

 






.

i'm jealous of religious people because they can have all the world for themselves.


i'm jealous of religious people because they are so sure they will be saved.


i'm jealous of religious people because they believe that they never waste any words.



i'm jealous of religious people because they will shed no tears while i'll shed mine.




i'm jealous of religious people because jealousy


is











at the bottom of their list.

She's A Rainbow
(Jagger/Richards)

She comes in colors ev'rywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors
She comes in colors ev'rywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors
Have you seen her dressed in blue?
See the sky in front of you
And her face is like a sail
Speck of white so fair and pale
Have you seen a lady fairer?
She comes in colors ev'rywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors
Have you seen her all in gold?
Like a queen in days of old
She shoots her colors all around
Like a sunset going down
Have you seen a lady fairer?
She comes in colors ev'rywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors

In This Heart by Sinead O'Connor

In this heart lies for you
A lark born only for you
Who sings only to you
My love
My love
My love
I am waiting for you
For only to adore you
My heart is for you
My love
My love
My love
This is my grief for you
For only the loss of you
The hurting of you
My love
My love
My love
There are rays on the weather
Soon these tears will have cried
All loneliness have died
My love
My love
My love
I will have you with me
In my arms only
For you are only
My love
My love
My love

Tension is a Passing Note by Sixpence None The Richer

Do I murder when I forget you from afar?
too drunk on the poison of endless roads
and the countless smoky bars

but tension is to be loved
when it is like a passing note
to a beautiful, beautiful chord

do I murder us
putting pavement in my veins
shooting it in, special heroin
for the seeking and displaced?

but tension is to be loved
when it is like a passing note
to a beautiful, beautiful chord


but tension is to be loved
when it is like a passing note
to a beautiful, beautiful -
tension is to be loved
when it is like a passing note
to a beautiful, beautiful chord

Akhirnya saya harus cukup puas dengan sate ayam dan lontong saja.

Setelah menunggu penuh rindu, si tukang nasi goreng yang biasa mangkal di depan Papado.net (Jalan Satrio, satu selepetan jin sebelum ITC Kuningan) ternyata tak datang-datang. Perut lapar dan maag yang mengincar membuat saya tak kuat menanti.

Sate 15 tusuk dan lontong dua. Total harga, Rp15 ribu.

Lumayan mengganjal perut. Nanti sampai di rumah mungkin harus ditambah lagi dengan donat tak berbentuk yang kemarin dimasak paman saya di rumah tante di Kelapa Gading.

Nonton DVD apa subuh ini? Di kamar masih tersisa 'The Assasination of Jesse James', 'No Country for Old Men', dan setumpuk film lagi yang belum sempat ditonton. Ada banyak juga dorama Jepang milik kakak saya yang wajib dilihat. Juga serial West Wing yang harus ditonton ulang minimal setiap minggu.

Majalah Wired, The Economist, National Geographic Traveler, dan Tempo, semuanya belum selesai dibaca. Antologi puisi Saut Situmorang yang bikin mata melek, himpunan puisi Nirwan Dewanto yang indah nan membingungkan, Pangeran Pencuri hasil minjam dari Anya, Iliad dan Odyssey yang kata MJ saya wajib baca. Semua tertumpuk manis di meja belajar.

Harus mulai dari mana ya?

Rencana mengurung diri seperti Musashi (dua tahun di menara benteng daimyo tercinta, hanya membaca dan samadhi) selama masa libur sebulan ini, ternyata tak semudah yang saya kira. Padahal tak banyak kesibukan.

Bangun tidur agak siang. Bengong satu jam mikirin oh nikmatnya tak harus bermacet-macet di jalan raya. Ke kamar mandi untuk pup. Bengong lagi di kamar. Setengah jam menimbang-nimbang harus nonton/baca apa. Satu-dua jam baca/nonton sesuatu. Makan siang/kesiangan. Bengong lagi. Tidur siang. Atau akhirnya mandi yang bersih jangan lupa sikat gigi lalu ganti baju yang trendy. Terus pergi ketemu teman-teman, membahas sidejob terjemahan-penerbitan dan lain-lain. Nongkrong sampai malam. Kadang mabuk. Lebih sering lagi cuma rada-rada tipsy namun tetap terjaga seksi. Pulang subuh/menjelang subuh. (Perumnas Tanah Abang sunyi sekali di jam-jam segini). Ganti baju/hanya buka sepatu melonggarkan retsleting jeans. Bengong setengah jam saja. Bobok yang manis dan mimpi jadi raja pembebas bangsa pembantai monster hina.

Kegiatan rutin seperti pacaran, menemani pacar jalan-jalan, nonton film sama pacar, belanja sama pacar, dan jadi pacar yang baik dan benar sesuai Pancasila dan UUD 1945, tentu tetap dilaksanakan.

Oh betapa senangnya.

Kurang dari sebulan lagi, saya akan kerja seperti biasa. Memang cuma paruh waktu. Tapi harus masuk kantor jam setengah enam pagi. Berarti bangun jam 4 setiap hari.

Sekarang, peduli setan dengan pagi.

Sudah dua botol fruit tea nangkring di samping keyboard. Gara-gara minuman ini, setiap saya teringat internet, otomatis otak saya teringat rasa asam-manis sari buah bohong2an ini. Mungkin karena di setiap warnet yang saya datangi, ia pasti bertengger manis di lemari pendingin.

Di setiap warnet yang saya datangi.

Karena sebagai penganggur intelek, saya tak lagi dapat saluran internet cepat dari kantor. Di rumah belum tersambung internet. Mungkin nanti, kalau sudah dapat laptop baru.

Saat ini, cukup di warnet saja (walaupun malam-malam begini kadang ada orang aneh seperti gadis yang sebenarnya lumayan manis itu tapi agaknya sering keluar malam karena mukanya kok agak keriput ya yang terus-menerus melirik ke arah saya tapi agaknya cuma karena lapar saja karena setelah pesanan ayam bakarnya datang dia tak nengok-nengok lagi mungkin karena sekarang saya gendut seperti ayam bakar).

Jam tiga pagi. Saatnya berkemas dan cari taksi.

Honesty is never an easy thing, especially when you have to apply it to yourself brutally. But what I've learned lately is that once you're able to do that, you'll see things in a totally different perspective and that things will have a way of working itself out.

The reason I moved out from IndoPacific Edelman to Maverick was to see whether I could refresh my interest in the industry. For the past few months I have come to realize that public relations consultancy is really not my thing. I could not picture myself doing this kind of job for the next one or two years.

Don't get me wrong. I loved 'meeting new people' (now an overused phrase like a 100-year old slut thanks to hordes of models, actresses and pageant queens reciting "I want to work as a PR person coz I luuuuuuuuvveeed meeting new people. Fuck them you would I guess), traveling to faraway places, and writing. I get this from working as a PR consultant. But I can also get this somewhere else for sure.

I would like to spend more time and concentrate on irisPUSTAKA that me and some of my friends have established since last year. This could not be done as a side job. It needs my full attention.

Which leads to the decision of resigning from the Associate position in Maverick, effective May 1, 2008.

I was actually planning to take a month or two before hunting for fresh grounds, but hey, Ong offered me a job as an Editor. A great package and suitable working hours (Mon-Fri, 6.30 - 10.30 AM), is all that I need to say yes. I will begin my editing days on June 1, 2008. That means a whole month of freedom.

I may have sucked at client servicing and consultancy, but I'm fucking good when it comes to writing and editing.

I'm broke, but I'm happy.

Another step forward to my vagabonding days.

Kantor saya mati lampu lagi. Tadi, sekitar jam 11. Saat 'byar pet' momen terjadi, teriakan marah dan kecewa para media trackers dan editors yang lupa men-save dokumen mereka, langsung memenuhi udara.

Mati lampu lagi. Ini yang kesekian kalinya bulan ini.

Beberapa teman langsung meninggalkan kantor dan pergi makan siang. Mungkin lega karena ada waktu istirahat ekstra. Ada juga yang sibuk menelpon PLN dan entah kantor apa lagi, mencoba minta konfirmasi, paling tidak usaha supaya listrik nyala lagi.

Kesal juga. Ada banyak kerjaan yang dipatok deadline. Pasti molor jadinya. Lalu bingung mau ngapain. Akhirnya nelpon beberapa teman dan satu-dua wartawan. Semangat kerja yang masih menggebu-gebu, agak sulit padam, dan ujung-ujungnya saya jadi gelisah nggak tahu mau ngapain.

Keinginan harus selalu ngapain ini mulai terasa mengganggu. Apalagi sejak saya beli Communicator tipe jaman dulu itu. Ada waktu kosong / momen bengong sedikit, pasti buka-buka file, nulis-nulis nggak penting ini-itu.

Pulang dari kantor, kalau nggak pacaran, pergi makan, pasti jalan sama teman. Hampir tak ada waktu kosong. Sampai di rumah pasti sudah malam sekali. Itu pun tak langsung tidur. Harus denger lagu dulu (malam-malam enaknya dengerin Jack Johnson atau Feist) atau nonton DVD. Akhir-akhir ini lagi kecanduan (lagi) West Wing. Sekarang sudah sampai season 4.

Hampir tak ada waktu kosong untuk bengong. Padahal,  menurut blogger favorit saya ini, waktu bengong itu penting. Menurut dia, kecanggihan teknologi dan akses terhadap informasi yang sudah kita nikmati selama satu dekade terakhir ini ternyata tidak membuat kita makin produktif. Makin sibuk tidak berarti makin produktif. Blogger favorit saya yang satu lagi ini juga bicara tentang hal yang sama.

Huh. Padahal saya sedang semangat-semangatnya mau kredit MacBook (atau Asus Eee PC?) biar makin produktif (dan atraktif..hehehe).

Rupanya waktu kosong dan aksi bengong itu penting juga.

It's time to defragment myself.

I was never a religious person.

I do believe in the whole Trinity concept, Father-Son-and-the-Holy-Spirit. But that's just about it. Ever since I was a child, I have questions about the concept of Heaven, which even now can make me unable to sleep.

I'm not afraid of the fires of hell. I'm only scared of being sent to oblivion. To have your soul no longer exist, in any form, in this universe, earth, heaven or hell.

I barely went to church last year, and have gone there only once this year, and that was on the Good Friday. I didn't even go to church in Easter. And forgot to sms my family happy Easter.

And this morning. Out of the blue. My brother gave me a small picture of Jesus. It now sat on my keyboard, half-resting on the monitor.

A picture of Jesus.

How do you make sense out of your live? Or, of your job?

You see, we toiled for hours doing stuff that (admit it, people) most of us hate or would gladly avoid if we could afford it. How do we make ourselves keep on waking up in the morning and jump into that river of bodies in the streets of whatevers?

Money? Self-satisfactions? Self-improvements? Loneliness?

This question came up to me lately as more and more workloads arrived on my lap, depriving me from doing what I loved most. What am I doing here in this office? What kind of satisfaction, aside from financial or, perhaps, intellectual ones, I'm getting from spending 8 to 10 hours each day behind the monitor?

I remembered that I dealt with this problem differently from time to time.

My first job was at the Trijaya Radio as an intern. Back then in 1998, I know that I need to get past the job in order to graduate. Boredom and whatnots are just part of graduating.

Then followed the 9 months in Gran Mahakam Hotel as a Telephone Operator. The pay sucked, but I somehow believed that by starting my career as a grunt (telephone operators are one of the lowest in a hotel front office's career ladder). I was right. I got to know lots of people, great people. real people. I learn to appreciate all kinds of work. I matured. A bit.

After that I went to work in Indo Pacific as a Media Monitoring staff. The pay still sucked, but at least I got to learn stuff about the PR industry, and got a free access to a great collection of local magazines.

Then I started to move up the ladder. Despite several setbacks (I had to prioritize my study in UI) and procrastinations, I finally become a full time staff (an Account Executive) and worked on real cases for 'real' clients.

The hours were long and the assignments challenging. During this time I barely had time to try to make sense of anything. Things were moving so fast. One moment I was this ignorant brat who knew zero about the world, the next day I was 'advising' clients on this and that.

And then came the 'consultant' title. This was after months of island-hopping in East Nusa Tenggara and later in South/Southeast Sulawesi and Papua. Again, I got too busy absorbing stuff. No time to try to make sense out of my job. Let alone my life.

But after a while, things got 'routine'. The travels got too long, the people I met on the road got too annoying.

Strangely enough, during this time I discovered that one of the things that can make me refocus on work is to watch the West Wing series.

Why, you may asked. First, because the script was fucking awesome. Aaron Sorkin is simply a great scriptwriter. Second, because the story involved the White House Communications Director, Deputy Communications Director, and Press Secretary.

Note the 'communications' part.

The characters in the series are idealized images of what a professional political / communication operator could become. They brought to life what I can only gather in pieces from textbooks and blogs. What it means to be a real communicator. A true manipulator.

Thus, in those days I often crawled back to bed after a long day of dealing with clients and stakeholders (this word could really make me crawl out of my skin), in an ancient hotel room somewhere in Papua or Rote Island, fired up my laptop and tried to catch up with the next episode of Mr. Sorkin's creations.

Back then I used the series as a charging tool for my routinely decreasing spirit.

I just finished (again) the 1st session last night.

You see, lately, every time chances permit, I found myself glued to the screen again, following every move of President Jed Bartlett's senior staffs in saving the day for the U.S. of A.

Why now? Trying to make sense out of my work? Maybe. I resigned from my previous office because I got tired of public relations. I got into the one I'm in now because although it is still public relations, it provides more challenges and opportunities. And of course it gives a fucking awesome package.

I am happy. I got to learn new stuff. Meet new people. Brave new challenges.

But why oh why the shores of Neverland kept calling me? Again, and again. And again.

 Am I really happy?

Hari ini lagi-lagi makan siang dengan menu nasi padang. Telur dadar, perkedel, sayur dua macam, dan nasi yang diguyur kuah. Hmmm. Asooy.

Agak kuatir juga sih, soalnya kalo keseringan makan nasi padang kadar kolesterol bisa melonjak kan? Berarti besok harus makan dengan menu yang sehat. Tapi apa? Menu sehat dan berserat biasanya mahal kan?

Padahal dimana-mana orang bilang, ayo makan yang sehat, yang berserat. Tapi begitu mampir ke warung atau restoran, menunya yang berminyak dan berdaging semua. Kalaupun ada sayur, pasti sudah nggak segar.

Gimana mau sehat?

Sudahlah, yang penting nanti malam beli apel seplastik buat ngemil malam hari. Ayo ayo diet!

Kurang tidur lagi. Semalam begadang lagi. Bikin dokumen jualan buat klien lagi.

Suntuk nggak bisa mikir, coba rileks dengan nonton Home of the Brave. Astaga, ini film jelek sekali! Baru setengah jalan tombol 'stop' sudah beraksi.

Sampai di kantor pagi-pagi sekali, jam 7.30 sudah duduk manis di depan komputer. Kirim dokumen hasil begadang ke klien, dan tak lama kemudian ...kring...kring...Halo Ney, sorry meetingnya batal.

Hmm. Bersyukur juga, karena pagi ini ngantuk bener.

Lupakan dokumen jualan, alihkan perhatian pada indomie supersehat di depan mata!

Karena ada lebih banyak lagi proposal menanti di depan mata!

Semalam habis nonton 'Into The Wild'. Awalnya hanya untuk selingan menghilangkan suntuk begadang (terpaksa, ada tugas kantor yang harus dibawa pulang), ujung-ujungnya jadi suntuk beneran teringat rencana bertualang yang tertunda.

Into The Wild bercerita tentang Christopher McCandless yang meninggalkan kenyamanan rumah, keluarga kelas menengah dan masa depan cerahnya. Ia menukar semuanya dengan perjalanan berat nan panjang dan maut di ujung jalan. Mati di usia muda (24 tahun) di Stampede Trail, Alaska, setelah lebih dari seratus hari seorang diri hidup di alam bebas. 

Semua atas nama idealisme. Akibat usia muda yang serba bertanya dan gelisah cari jawaban.

Sesampai di kantor pagi ini, langsung saya buat reviewnya. Tak lama kemudian, seorang teman berkomentar, mempertanyakan keputusan McCandless yang 'bodoh' dan berujung kematian.

Setelah melacak dengan Google, ketemu beberapa artikel tentang McCandless. Ada artikel simpatik dari Jon Krakauer (yang bukunya jadi dasar cerita film), ada juga yang kritis seperti Judith Kleinfeld dalam "McCandless: Hero or Dumb Jerk", yang bertanya, apakah McCandless:

1. The Hero: A person following their dreams, seeking to test themselves with adversity and risk in order to live life fully.

Atau,

2. The Soul Searcher: A person abandoning social conventions in an effort to seek truth and to discover the true self that remains hidden under social constraints. A person striving to stick to their deepest values and convictions no matter what the cost.

Atau,

3. The Dumb Jerk: A person who is futilely questing for something meaningless or worthless. A person who is woefully unprepared for a trip, who clings to misguided, self-righteous principles, losing friends and hurting themselves and their family in the process."

Menurut saya, Ia masuk dalam kategori 1 dan 2. Seperti Soe Hok Gie, mungkin? Yang jelas McCandless mengingatkan saya akan mimpi-mimpi masa muda dulu (sekarang juga relatif masih muda, tapi ngerti lah maksudnya). Ingin jadi jagawana, keliling Indonesia, dan menjelajah dunia.

Mengingatkan juga kepada niat di akhir tahun lalu untuk meninggalkan pekerjaan dan jadi gembel jalanan, vagabonding, keliling Asia Tenggara, mengulang jejak Tony dan Maureen Wheeler pendiri Lonely Planet.

Niat yang saat ini batal terbentur kenyataan bahwa saya tak hidup sendiri. Ada keluarga yang tak bisa ditinggal minggat.

Apa pun alasan sebenarnya yang melatarbelakangi tindakan McCandless, buat saya hidupnya tak sia-sia. Tentu, kasihan keluarganya. Tapi hidup yang berarti tak harus selalu berumur panjang kan?

Yesterday I was sick and couldn't come to the office. The extra sleep did me good.

My Blueberry Nights and Darjeeling Limited. Nice movies. Good looking Louis Vuittons. Naked Natalie. Straight-faced Jason.

Today I was sorry for being sick, with the load of work I have now, and wished I didn't take the day off. Plus the freezing air conditioner. And the instant coffee. Cream. With sugar.

Workloads. Day offs. Sickness.

I am getting old. You poor old thing said my girlfriend.

I can't wait for this government to step down. Damn fools. Not only they want to create more poor people, they're so eager to produce more and more stupid people.

Maybe that's because they're so desperately moron they need company.

The oil price hike is supposedly the culprit behind recent government's decision to cut down the education budget by 15 percent. The House of Representatives, despite the morons residing there, actually 'confronted' this decision.

According to the article linked above:

The government said the reduction was necessary because the global oil price could raise the government's subsidies for oil-based fuel and electricity to Rp 250 trillion. To meet this, the government would need to reduce other subsidies, including on education.

Subsidies. Cutting on subsidies. How about those high-maintainanced lifestyle you presidents, vice presidents, and ministers have enjoyed so far? It wouldn't hurt them (and yes you to legislators in DPR/MPR!) to stop using people's money to hold meetings in hotels, restaurants and such. Show some empathy.

Instead of cutting down subsidies for education, let's cut down your necks first you assholes.

And our country is supposed to be proud to have a PhD president? Yeah right. Eat your title mister robot!

Update Feb 25: Somehow the link above no longer directs to the original article. I don't know why. Maybe they scrape out the article. I'll try and find out.

Another campus shooting in the U.S. It's not like I'm thinking ahead of anyone, it's just that something must be really wrong there.

I can't help asking the same question I asked last year when the shooting in a Virginia campus happened. Is this the price for a democracy? Someday, when our society becomes liberally-advanced like the one in the U.S., should we prepare for something like this? Just because yesterday (and last year) it happened in the U.S. doesn't mean it won't happen elsewehere.

Hell, we have enough problems already in our schools and education system.With the kind of government and sickened society we have right now, anything's possible.

I thought sexual liberation and drugs are enough problems for us future parents. Is this the kind of thing I should be prepared with when, in the future, my kids go to school?

Last year it's Virginia. Yesterday, Illinois. Next?

When I was a kid I spent quite a lot of time reading at Sarinah Thamrin's 5th floor bookstore (innocently ignoring the security officer's angry look and the useless sign saying 'sorry, this is not a library'). I couldn't afford most of the books and the desire to read has occasionally led me daydreamed of robbing the place to the last written pages.

That's why when I read an article in yesterday's edition of the International Herald Tribune, I was quite amused. It said that:

"In an attempt to increase book sales, a publisher has decided to offer free electronic editions of some of its books on its Web site...The idea is to give readers the opportunity to sample the books online in the same way that prospective buyers can flip through books in a bookstore."

Free content. Now, this is good. A childhood dream come true. Really?

One of the things I loved about going to bookstores is the act of leisurely browsing the content of the books I'm interested in and the joy of finding unexpected titles. I might go to a bookstore planning to buy a book by author A, and ended up buying books by author B, C, and D.

Most of the times I just went there with no intention of buying at all, only for the sake of being in a bookstore, breathing the smell of newly printed words and pictures. Although every now and then I still revisit the childhood desire of striping the place bare to fulfill my intellectual thirst, I'm now content with just browsing freely. After all, in aksara or  QB I'm no longer haunted by those 'sorry' signs (Periplus post no signs but the plastic-wrapped books and strongly business-oriented atmosphere are enough signs for me).

Online purchase lacks that actual 'being there' feeling. The hasles of ordering books online and the fact that I wouldn't be able to browse the content has so far make the online purchase idea less appealing to me.

If publishers (and more publishers) allow readers to browse selected (online) contents of their books freely, which is a way of providing the 'being there' feeling, I might actually be tempted to make an effort and buy. Yesterday I bumped into a blog of one writer who allowed people to download his book freely in the hope that people who loved the book would one day buy the actual thing. Now that's what I called inviting me to be there.

But generosity may only play a small part in the logic of allowing people to access your books freely, as summarized by author Neil Gaiman in the Tribune's article:

"I didn't grow up buying every book I read,"..."I read books at libraries, I read books at friend's houses, I read books that I found on people's window sills." Eventually, he said, he bought his own books and he believes other readers will, too.

I borrowed as many books as I could. Eventually, when I could finally afford them, I bought them. I guess allowing people free access to online books is like having a library where members are eventually expected (out of conscience) to buy the collections, without the owner having to post useless 'sorry' signs.

Can this be applied to Indonesia's publishing industry? I'm no expert on this, and can only guess that with the take for granted attitude we Indonesians apply on everything, it's still way ahead of us.

While waiting for more and more books to be freely available online, let's get rid of those 'sorry' signs first.