Honesty is never an easy thing, especially when you have to apply it to yourself brutally. But what I've learned lately is that once you're able to do that, you'll see things in a totally different perspective and that things will have a way of working itself out.

The reason I moved out from IndoPacific Edelman to Maverick was to see whether I could refresh my interest in the industry. For the past few months I have come to realize that public relations consultancy is really not my thing. I could not picture myself doing this kind of job for the next one or two years.

Don't get me wrong. I loved 'meeting new people' (now an overused phrase like a 100-year old slut thanks to hordes of models, actresses and pageant queens reciting "I want to work as a PR person coz I luuuuuuuuvveeed meeting new people. Fuck them you would I guess), traveling to faraway places, and writing. I get this from working as a PR consultant. But I can also get this somewhere else for sure.

I would like to spend more time and concentrate on irisPUSTAKA that me and some of my friends have established since last year. This could not be done as a side job. It needs my full attention.

Which leads to the decision of resigning from the Associate position in Maverick, effective May 1, 2008.

I was actually planning to take a month or two before hunting for fresh grounds, but hey, Ong offered me a job as an Editor. A great package and suitable working hours (Mon-Fri, 6.30 - 10.30 AM), is all that I need to say yes. I will begin my editing days on June 1, 2008. That means a whole month of freedom.

I may have sucked at client servicing and consultancy, but I'm fucking good when it comes to writing and editing.

I'm broke, but I'm happy.

Another step forward to my vagabonding days.

How do you make sense out of your live? Or, of your job?

You see, we toiled for hours doing stuff that (admit it, people) most of us hate or would gladly avoid if we could afford it. How do we make ourselves keep on waking up in the morning and jump into that river of bodies in the streets of whatevers?

Money? Self-satisfactions? Self-improvements? Loneliness?

This question came up to me lately as more and more workloads arrived on my lap, depriving me from doing what I loved most. What am I doing here in this office? What kind of satisfaction, aside from financial or, perhaps, intellectual ones, I'm getting from spending 8 to 10 hours each day behind the monitor?

I remembered that I dealt with this problem differently from time to time.

My first job was at the Trijaya Radio as an intern. Back then in 1998, I know that I need to get past the job in order to graduate. Boredom and whatnots are just part of graduating.

Then followed the 9 months in Gran Mahakam Hotel as a Telephone Operator. The pay sucked, but I somehow believed that by starting my career as a grunt (telephone operators are one of the lowest in a hotel front office's career ladder). I was right. I got to know lots of people, great people. real people. I learn to appreciate all kinds of work. I matured. A bit.

After that I went to work in Indo Pacific as a Media Monitoring staff. The pay still sucked, but at least I got to learn stuff about the PR industry, and got a free access to a great collection of local magazines.

Then I started to move up the ladder. Despite several setbacks (I had to prioritize my study in UI) and procrastinations, I finally become a full time staff (an Account Executive) and worked on real cases for 'real' clients.

The hours were long and the assignments challenging. During this time I barely had time to try to make sense of anything. Things were moving so fast. One moment I was this ignorant brat who knew zero about the world, the next day I was 'advising' clients on this and that.

And then came the 'consultant' title. This was after months of island-hopping in East Nusa Tenggara and later in South/Southeast Sulawesi and Papua. Again, I got too busy absorbing stuff. No time to try to make sense out of my job. Let alone my life.

But after a while, things got 'routine'. The travels got too long, the people I met on the road got too annoying.

Strangely enough, during this time I discovered that one of the things that can make me refocus on work is to watch the West Wing series.

Why, you may asked. First, because the script was fucking awesome. Aaron Sorkin is simply a great scriptwriter. Second, because the story involved the White House Communications Director, Deputy Communications Director, and Press Secretary.

Note the 'communications' part.

The characters in the series are idealized images of what a professional political / communication operator could become. They brought to life what I can only gather in pieces from textbooks and blogs. What it means to be a real communicator. A true manipulator.

Thus, in those days I often crawled back to bed after a long day of dealing with clients and stakeholders (this word could really make me crawl out of my skin), in an ancient hotel room somewhere in Papua or Rote Island, fired up my laptop and tried to catch up with the next episode of Mr. Sorkin's creations.

Back then I used the series as a charging tool for my routinely decreasing spirit.

I just finished (again) the 1st session last night.

You see, lately, every time chances permit, I found myself glued to the screen again, following every move of President Jed Bartlett's senior staffs in saving the day for the U.S. of A.

Why now? Trying to make sense out of my work? Maybe. I resigned from my previous office because I got tired of public relations. I got into the one I'm in now because although it is still public relations, it provides more challenges and opportunities. And of course it gives a fucking awesome package.

I am happy. I got to learn new stuff. Meet new people. Brave new challenges.

But why oh why the shores of Neverland kept calling me? Again, and again. And again.

 Am I really happy?

Today I spent two hours attending the Writing Clinic, a training on how to write properly. Although the training was designed for our colleagues the media trackers, associates are welcomed, if not encouraged, to attend. A time well-spent, I must say.

In my previous office we used to have lots of trainings, and one of the routine ones are Friday English sessions with Julie, where she refreshed and retaught everything I've learned in college. Great sessions, despite the fact that some of us from the Corporate, IPC, and IT divisions always brought chaos to the class.

The Clinic felt a bit like Julie's sessions, same relaxed manner and lots of laughter, only it focused more on brevity.

For example, our partner Ong would scream bloody murder if we ever come up with something using expresions such as "In order to..." instead of a simple "To..." Hehehehe. I got a taste of this in my first week, being used to writing proposals in flowery languages.

Our partners always stressed that our business "is to make everything complicated sound simple and make everything simple sound important". Something that is easier said than done.

The fact that my writings tend to be long and complicated proved that I'm still far away from being a good writer.

First day at the new office. Yes dear fans, I am no longer working in IndoPacific Edelman and  now has joined Maverick. Still as a public relations consultant, although the scope of work and challenges will be slightly different. At least that was what Ong, one of Maverick's partners, promised me during the interview eons ago.

In IndoPacific Edelman I was called 'consultant 1,' in Maverick they put 'associate' on my chest. I really don't care. My employer can put 'janitor' or 'dementor' on my name card I wouldn't lose a single hair over that as long as the job is as it is and the pay runs smoothly.

I'd prefer 'procrastinator' though. Hahaha.

New place, friends, habits and morning-evening routes.

"Life is about re-inventing yourself," Ong told me today during the induction session, under the freezing air conditioner which ironically in a school afternoon kinda way reminded me of the sleepy heat in Bali and my delayed lonely-planet-vagabonding-yearning.

Last year I had planned to reinvent myself as a beach bum, dirt poor but happy as a bird. It turned out the offer from Maverick was too good to resist and I was kinda challenged to see how maverick I could be. So dear South East Asia must wait another year before my pretty ass finally caress their fine fair silky hot beaches.

What about my other plans? Well, they're still alive and kicking.

The irisPUSTAKA publishing house that Anya, Festi, Ade and I have been setting up for the past several months is nearing its egg-hatching. The t-shirt business plan with Dita is still in a preparation stage, but so far all is well. Scholarship and travel plans are cooking in my brain and pocketssseeesss.

I missed my friends at my previous office. The fun I had and the knowledge I've accumulated during those long learning years (still learning now, mind you) are some of the best things that have ever happened to me. It's one of my many schools in life and I am always thankful for the opportunities I got there.

I am reinventing myself. Let see if you're going to like the supposedly new me.

Ah, you sentimental bitch. My fingers itched to type some more but a particular deadline from a well-earned sidejob is now gnawing my ass, slapping my cheeks and chewing my nose off.